Wednesday, June 15, 2011

Accomplishment and an Attitude Adjustment

I'm not going to lie, folks. I'm going to be riding this half marathon high for a while. And I get paid friday, which means - registration for the next race will be happening, pronto.

I am honestly super freaking proud of myself. It has been two years since I completed something that I was really, truly, proud to have accomplished - my history masters thesis (that bitch is AWESOME, and I need to tap my creative juices and turn it into a screen play or a historical fiction book or something, because it would seriously be the shit.) And who knows when the last time was before that.

On a daily basis, in my head, I am really, REALLY horrible to myself. I think we're all guilty of this once in a while. But for me, the past several years have gotten really nasty inside the old brain. I would not allow a friend or significant other to remain in my life if they talked to me the way I talk to myself inside my head. Honestly, its out of control. And even standing at the starting line in Lake Placid, there was this damn little voice in the back of my head that kept plugging away with the whole "you're not an athlete, why do you think you can do this?" "honestly, you're like the most out of shape person here, what are you doing?!" BLAH BLAH BLAH. I told that bitch to shut up, and had a great race. But, day in and day out she still creeps back in, and tries to beat me into mental submission.

It's time to break up with myself.

In high school I was going through a bad bout with a "friend" who was just not all that great. And my mother told me "it's ok to break up with your friends, you know." I have repeated this advice to many a real friend who have been in a toxic friendship with a needy, selfish, or just plain MEAN "friend."  It is, in my opinion, much harder to break up with a "friend" than it is to end a relationship. "Friends" are supposed to be there through thick and thin, sure you have fights or disagreements, but the whole point of friends is to have them be there, be understanding, be supportive, etc. through it all, which makes the dynamics of that break-up awkward and difficult. But, sometimes it's just necessary to ditch negative people from your life. Even if they are "friends."

Now, if breaking up with "friends" is hard, I can't imagine how difficult it's going to be to break up with myself. But, it's got to happen. I can's allow this negative nancy to rule my life any more. She makes me do dumb stuff like, sit on the couch and watch law and order reruns after work that's not even fun. I don't even want to do it. My running accomplishment has allowed me to prove to myself that I am capable of doing some pretty awesome stuff, if I apply the right version of myself. Since my training took off the following things have happened: I feel better, I eat better, I sleep better, I started playing piano more, I drink less, I smile on a more regular basis, I feel better in my own skin, I'm looking forward to how freaking awesome I'm going to be in the future.

These things I like. I like turning off the TV and tickling the ivories for an hour a night. I like waking up at 5am to get my sweat on.

I do not like feeling useless, like i have no skills, that i'm not capable of doing things etc. So, I'm putting that nasty girl inside my head on notice:

It's over.

Stop stalking me.

I smiled the whole time I ran 13.1 miles.

I win.


Lindsey said...

You definitely should ride your half for as long as possible - you ARE an athlete!! I think all of us have battles inside our heads that we need to win.

Natalie said...

I am still riding my marathon, so you definitely have about 6 months to ride this half!!! You're awesome and fyi, I was there, there were people who were WAY more out of shape than you or I (I'm thinking the lady who rolled her shirt up and tucked it underneath her bra) :)